Zuko's Soap
by zukosfire
Summary: A Zuko soap opera thing! Zuko has fallen in love with Katara and is trying to get her to fall in love with him. WARNING: This story makes no sense.
1. Orange

We join Zuko and his uncle who have stopped at an island trading post becauseIroh was out of tea. 

Zuko: I don't care that you need tea. I need to capture the Avatar!

Iroh: Do you know how many times you've said that in the past half hour?

Zuko rolled his eyes.

Iroh: 637 times.

Zuko: ...You...counted?

Iroh: Yes. I count everything. How do you think I know when I need more tea? Oh! And I know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop, and do you want to know something else?

Zuko: No.

Iroh: I never liked your spinach puffs!

Zuko: ...What?

Iroh: Never!

Zuko: Umm...Uncle, I've never made spinach puffs...What the hell are spinach puffs, anyway?

Iroh: I...don't know. Puffs of spinach?

Zuko: GASP! It's the Avatar!

He points to a store in the distance, where Aang, Katara, and Sokka are standing.

Zuko: And the stupid oaf and his stupid...

His voice trailed off as Katara spun around and looked at Zuko. Their eyes locked and for what felt like eternity, they stood there. Suddenly Zuko and Katara were on opposite sides of a flowered meadow. They started running towards each other in slow motion, arms outstretched and smiles wide. They got closer and closer and then... ... ... ... ...they ran past each other and suddenly they were back at the trading post.

Sokka walked up to Zuko.

Sokka: You will never capture the Avatar!

Zuko: I'm not trying to...

Sokka: Because I- -what? Why?

Zuko: Because I'm in love with your father's sister's brother's son's uncle's sister's daughter.

Sokka: ...You mean my sister?

Zuko: No, you're father's sister's brother's son's uncle's sister's daughter.

Sokka: OK, whatever. Katara! Zuko wants to talk to you!

Katara walked over.

Sokka: See ya later!

And he walked off.

Zuko: (dramatically) I can't pretend anymore! I love you, Katara!

Katara: (also dramatically) And I'm in love with you! But we can't go on like this!

Zuko: Wherefore art thou, Katara?

Katara: But I do have good news!

Zuko: What?

Katara: I...just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance be switching to Geico!

Zuko: ...What's a car?

Katara: I don't know, but I saved. And besides, I just realized, it's not you I'm in love with!

Zuko: Then who does your heart belong to?

Katara: Your aunt's son's uncle's wife's brother's evil half nephew!

Zuko: ...Isn't that me?

Katara: No! It's your aunt's son's uncle's wife's brother's evil half nephew!

She started slowly walking backwards, slowly fading away until she was no longer there.

Zuko threw his hands in the air.

Zuko: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

He fell on his knees and gasped for breath.

Zuko: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Iroh: (happy) I found my tea! (concerned) What are you shouting about?

Zuko shrugged. "I dunno."

Iroh: Well, let's get back to the ship so we can find the Avatar.

Zuko: I need to capture the Avatar!

Iroh: That would be the 638th time.

Zuko: Uncle, I just had my heart ripped out, torn into a zillion pieces, trampled on, and eaten by a rabid dog. Now, I have to ask you a very important question...

Long pause

Zuko: Why doesn't orange rhyme with anything?


	2. Canada

This can only be described as "I was really bored."

* * *

"Uncle!" Zuko shouted down the hall. 

"Hold on a minute!" Iroh shouted back.

Zuko walked into the room where Iroh kept his many boxes of tea.

Iroh: 102, 103, 104, 105,...

Zuko: Uncle, I've done it!

Iroh: One-hundred and...and...Zuko, you made me lose count, now I have to start over.

Zuko: I've done it Uncle!

Uncle: Done what?

Zuko: Come up with a way to get the Avatar's friend's father's sister's brother's son's uncle's sister's daughter to love me instead of my aunt's son's uncle's wife's brother's evil half nephew.

Uncle: Uncle's...wife's...sister's...Canada...how?

Zuko cleared his throat and held up a piece of paper from nowhere.

Zuko: Roses are red, Violets are orange, You are so beautiful, and your eyes shine like...porrange.

Uncle: (_sniff)_ That was so beautiful...

Zuko: Do you think she'll love it, Uncle?

Uncle: (_sniff)_ Not a chance...

Sokka ran into the room.

Sokka: Ummm...this isn't the bathroom, is it?

Zuko: No. Where's your father's sister's brother's son's uncle's sister's daughter?

Sokka: On Appa on deck.

Zuko: Is she on Appa or on deck?

Sokka: She's on Appa on deck.

Zuko: Which one?

Sokka: Appa is on deck.

Zuko: I don't care about Appa, where's you father's sister's brother's son's uncle's sister's daughter?

Sokka: On Appa.

Zuko: And where's Appa?

Sokka: On deck.

Zuko: Thank you! Why didn't you say that in the first place.

Sokka: I...don't know...gee...I wish I could speak whale...

Zuko left the room, and Sokka looked at Iroh and then at the tea boxes.

Sokka: You know you have 235 cases of tea there?

Iroh: How did you count that so fast?

Sokka: I learned from Count Aloticus.

Iroh: Count Aloticus? The supreme counter of the counteress world?

Sokka: Yes.

Iroh: You must teach me the advanced counting skills that were taught to you by the great Count Aloticus.

Sokka: Teach you I will. Learn you will.

Iroh: And Sokka...

He paused.

Iroh: I...am your father.

Sokka: GASP! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Back with Zuko.

Zuko ran onto deck where he spotted Katara and Aang.

Zuko: (dramatic) Katara!

Katara: (dramatic) Zuko!

Zuko: Katara!

Katara: Zuko!

Zuko: Katara!

Aang: Wow...you know each other's names! Good job!

Katara: How I've missed you so, Zuko!

Zuko: And I, you.

Long pause as Zuko and Katara look into each other's eyes. Wierd Sylvan music starts playing.

Aang: This moment brought to you by Sylvan's Learning Center.

Zuko: I wrote you a poem.

He pulled out the piece of paper.

Katara: Gasp! Really?

Zuko: Well, I would have..._but nothing rhymes with orange_!

Katara: Then, I'm sorry Prince Zuko, but I can't love a man's aunt's son's uncle's wife's brother's evil half nephew when he can't even rhyme a simple word such as orange.

Aang: Yip yip.

Appa flew into the air and Sokka ran on deck.

Sokka: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A small glittery ball of light flew in from no where and sprinkled gold powder onto Sokka.

Sokka: AH-CHOOOOOO!

Sokka flew into the air, gold glitter trailing behind him.

Sokka: (singing) He can fly, he can fly, he can fly, he can fly, he can fly!

The ball of light comes up to screen to reveal itself as Tinkerbell.

Tinkerbell: Th-th-th-that's all folks!


	3. My Little Pony

I'm gonna say right now, that I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender and that I am just mind controlling them to be complete idiots.  
I also do not own any company, product, idea, character, etc. in this storythat I use to help the characters of Avatar to be complete idiots.  
(big grin)

* * *

Zuko: Uncle! I need to come up with a word that rhymes with orange! 

Iroh: Why?

Iroh's looking at his tea boxes, upset that Sokka never taught him the advanced counting skills of Count Aloticus.

Zuko: Because the Avatar's friend's father's sister's brother's son's uncle's sister's daughter won't love a man's aunt's son's uncle's wife's brother's evil half nephew unless he can rhyme a word as simple as orange!

Iroh: Shush, Zuko! I'm trying to count my tea boxes...

Zuko: Helloooooo! Can we focus on me?

He eyes started to fill with tears.

Zuko: Don't you care about me uncle?

Iroh: Of course, Zuko-

Zuko threw his arms into the air and started sobbing uncontrollably.

Zuko: DOESN'T ANYBODY CARE!

Lightning flashes and there is a loud boom of thunder. Suddenly there is an orange fat guy floating in front of him.

Zuko: Who are you?

Floating Orange Fat Guy: My name is William Alfiedotheroson the 26th, but you can call me Joseph. And I am your magical genie!

Zuko: Ummm...OK...Joseph. How did you get here and how are you floating?

Joseph: Hellooooo! Did you not hear the words "magical genie"? It's not waterbending, it's magic. I can fly, can you fly?

Zuko jumped in the air, flapping his arms stupidly in an attempt to fly.

Joseph: Didn't think so.

Tinkerbell flies by.

Joseph: Show off.

Zuko: How did you get here?

Joseph: I don't know. Normally you're supposed to go through this cave and find this magical lamp after touching the forbidden treasure when you were told not to and run for your life from a lava wave of doom. But something wierd happened and now I'm here, and since you're the first person I saw, you are my master.

Zuko: I'm...your master?

Joseph: Yep. And you get 3 wishes. Not one, not two, not 3,276 1/4, but three.

Zuko: Cool. I wish I had a pink pony!

Joseph snapped his fingers and a pink pony appeared in front of Zuko.

Iroh: (singing) My little pony, my little pony, my little pony tales!

Zuko: Now I wish Katara was in love with me!

Iroh laughed.

Zuko: What is so funny?

Iroh: The genie can't make anybody fall in love with you.

Zuko: How would you know that?

Iroh cleared his throat. "Umm...Internet?"

Zuko shrugged his shoulders.

Zuko: Works for me...

He turned to Joseph.

Zuko: Is that true Joseph? You can't make Katara fall in love with me?

Joseph: (happy) Nope!

Zuko: WHAT! What kind of stupid rule is that!

Joseph: The stupid rule that only someone who wanted to be orange would make.

Joseph looked over at the tea boxes.

Joseph: Do you know that you have 235 cases of tea?

Iroh: WHY IS EVERYONE ELSE ABLE TO COUNT FAST EXCEPT ME? DOESN'T ANYBODY CARE!

There was another flash of lightning and more thunder, and then a purple fat girl was floating in front of them.

Floating Purple Fat Girl: My name is Elizabeth Sindargothosy, but you can call me Charlotte! And I am your magical genie. Normally you would have to find a lamp-

Zuko: We got this story already! Can somebody just make Katara fall in love with me!

Aang pops in from no where.

Aang: Why do fools fall in love?

And then he's gone.

Charlotte: Love? We know love!

Joseph: We're in love! Isn't that right Charlotte.

Charlotte: Right Joseph.

They float toward each other and begin kissing leaving Iroh and Zuko to stand there watching them.

Iroh: Well this is awkward.

Zuko: Hellooooo over there! I'm your master and I command you to stop!

Joseph: I can't listen to you, Master. It's against Da Rules.

Zuko: WHAT!

Charlotte: We're going now.

And they poofed away.

Iroh: Very awkward.

Zuko: I've gotta make Katara fall in love with me. How am I gonna- GASP! I got it!

Iroh: Got milk?

Zuko: This whole time I've been going about it all wrong! I've been trying to rhyme orange, when I should rhyme PURPLE!

Long awkward silence.

Iroh: ...but nothing rhymes with purple either...

Zuko: GASP! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


	4. Caps Lock

MUAHAHAHA! It's a new chappie of Zuko's Soap with more Iroh and Zuko bein' complete morons...

Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender, I just use the characters to be complete idiots.

I also do not own any of the products/companies/etc. that I use to aide in making the characters complet idiots.

Now, I'm answerin' reviews:

**jj - **...ewww...wait-they're not cousins, bloodwise anyway. Zuko is Iroh's evil _half _nephew...

**lensgirlfriend - **Pete is my imaginary friend.

**dgdfsgsdfg - **I know it's stupid. It's just one big fic of stupid nonsensicality.

**Thanks for the reviews everybody who reviewed!**

On to the story!

* * *

Zuko walks into his uncle's tea room, where Iroh is looking at his tea boxes. 

Iroh sighs wistfully.

Zuko holds up a peace of paper and a pen. "Uncle, I need a word that rhymes with either orange, or purple….preferably, purange, for the Avatar's friend's father's sister's brother's son's uncle's sister's daughter's poem that I'm writing her."

"Why don't you ask Dr. Zuess." Iroh suggested, not taking his eyes off his tea boxes.

Zuko: Uh, uncle. Don't you mean Dr. _Suess_?

Iroh: Nope, Dr. Zuess. The god of rhyming.

Zuko: There's a god of rhyming? …. WHY AREN'T I TOLD THESE THINGS!

Iroh: 'Cause it's a secret and you weren't supposed to know…..oops…

Zuko: So how do I find this "Dr. Zuess"?

Iroh hands Zuko a piece of paper. "Say this"

Zuko reads from paper: "Milk, eggs, butter, cheese-"

Iroh snatched the paper from him. "Hehe..oops, that's my grocery list"

Zuko: What's with the dairy products?

Iroh handed him another piece of paper.

Zuko read: "Beans, beans, the magical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel. So eat beans with every meal." What the heck?

There was a loud burst of thunder and a small storm formed above Zuko's head, drenching him in rain. Then there was a flash of lightening and a thin man about Iroh's age appeared in the middle of the room.

He was talking to no one. "..and then he said- wait…this isn't Aphrodite's party… Where am I?"

Iroh: You are on Prince Zuko's ship, where music night is every night, and the stars seem to sparkle like the-

Zuko: Uncle.

Iroh: -and call within the next 5 minutes and you will receive-

Zuko: Uncle!

Iroh: I'm lovin' i-

Zuko: UNCLE!

Iroh pouts.

Weird man: Where am I?

Zuko: My ship just like my uncle said! And I'm lovin' it!

Weird man: Oh….what will I receive?

Zuko: Are you Dr. Zuess?

"Why, yes. Yes I am." The weird man proudly stated.

Zuko: The god of rhyming.

Dr. Zuess: Yep.

Zuko: I need your help rhyming the word orange, purple, or purange.

Dr. Zuess: Sorry, can't help ya.

Zuko: Why not?

Iroh: Just because he's the god of rhyming doesn't mean he knows how to rhyme.

Zuko: But you're the one who suggested him!

Iroh: Oops.

Dr. Zuess: I can't rhyme, 'cause I don't have time, from eatin' beans and bein' mean, and I'm sorry that I can't be of more help.

Zuko just gaped at him.

Dr. Zuess: Now just read that rhyme that got me here backwards.

Zuko: (reads) Leam yreve htiw snaeb tae os. Leef uoy retteb eht, toot uoy erom eht. Toot uoy erom eht, tae uoy erom eht. Tiurf lacigam eht, snaeb, snaeb.

There was another loud burst of thunder, and another storm cloud formed above Zuko's head, drenching him in more rain, and then there was another flash of lightening and then Dr. Zuess vanished.

Iroh: Well, he was helpful.

Zuko: How?

Iroh: I found out that toot spelled backwards, is toot!

Zuko: Iroh, you're so- GASP! I GOT IT! And I'm lovin' it!

Iroh: Lovin' what? … Besides McDonalds?

Zuko: I've finally figured out what to write for the Avatar's friend's father's sister's brother's son's uncle's sister's daughter's poem!

Iroh: You have?

Zuko pulls out another piece of paper and begins to read. "Roses are red. Violet's are orange. You are so beautiful, and your eyes shine bluish purple"

Iroh: OMG IT RHYMES!

Zuko: I KNOW IT'S AWESOME ISN'T IT?

Iroh: WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Zuko: 'CAUSE THE CAPS LOCK IS ON!

Iroh: … WHAT'S CAPS LOCK?

Zuko: I DON'T KNOW! BUT IT'S ON!

Iroh: WHAT DO WE DO?

Zuko: …FIND KATARA!... AND YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT WAS WITH THE DAIRY PRODUCTS!

* * *

Oooh...cliffie...sorta... What will Katara think of Zuko's now rhyming poem? ...and will Caps Lock remain on? only time (and me) will tell... 


End file.
